I travel as a consultant and audit a lot of companies for compliance. I use to love this type of work, but recently I have been wondering am I really cut out for it. Do I have what it really takes to be exceptional at what I am doing. Not for the sake of man, but for the Lord. When I am out there doing this work, I represent Christ.
I find myself questioning my own abilities at times in relation to others and think man I am absolutely stupid as to the point do I really know what I am doing. I seem to forget the basics and need to go back and refresh my memory just to make sure that I am not giving wrong advice.
This week I was doing an internal audit from beginning to end and at times I felt like I was in a pitch black very large room trying to hit the bulls-eye of a continually moving variable speed target. In other words, I felt like I had know idea what I was doing and it made me really wonder about my abilities. Of course part of the problem is that I am not 100% up to speed on their system and where to find things, but still that is no excuse.
If you have ever done an internal audit, then you may understand how I feel. You really do not want to find issues, but at the same time, that is your job. Plus the people you work with almost become hostile to the point where they really do not want you there. Do I really care if they want me there, no. It is my job to make sure they are ready for any Federal Agencies that walk in regardless of how they feel about me. The beauty of it all is that I am only temporary and these relationships are not permanent.
I know that part of the problem is sleeping. I am only getting 6 hours or so sleep per night and the job is mentally taxing. I seem to be good for about 1.5 weeks, then the last 2 or 3 days I am burnt out. I am losing weight which I know is also affecting my ability to perform. I feel weak and physically and emotionally tired a lot.
I miss my family and would rather be there versus here. My wife and I Skype every night if we can, but I very rarely talk. Instead, most of the time I just listen. However, on Friday after about a bottle and half of wine, my wife could not get me to shut-up and it was about 4AM her time before she and my son went to bed. I just hope they did not think I was totally nuts.
If you are wondering why are you there then, it is because I believe the Lord wants me here. I firmly believe that the Lord has placed me here to behave in a Christian manner so someone will ask why am I this way. But how do I know? I wish I had a great answer to give, but I do not. It is just a feeling. I wish I had some super powerful scripture to give you, but unfortunately I do not.